Mushy Feelings and Stuff...

I never would have thought that my life would be where it's at right now, at this present moment. I never would have imagined that I would be starting a life with someone who has stolen my heart. It's still surreal to me when we wake together and the first thing that crosses my mind is how much I love my best friend. It baffles me that someone like him could find me beautiful and love me just as much, but then again, he and I are much the same. This love.. It comes so easily. It feels so natural when his arms are around me and I feel safe when our fingers are interlocked. If only this could have been my first love, I'm sure that I wouldn't know the pain of heartbreak now. I guess the only thing that I have to try at with this.. Is accepting the fact that I don't have to change for him. I don't have to put on a facade. He knows what I'm saying without a single word being uttered. And, from what I've heard about love, that's how it's supposed to be. It's crazy to think how much one person can impact your life. Just knowing his past.. It gives the word strength a whole new meaning. I admire him and learn something new from him every day. He has become my rock, and I can only hope that I can be the light in the dark for him, as well. I'm nervous about sharing my life with another, but deep down, I know that my heart is safe with him, and for that I am glad. I'm glad that I can take him home to my parents and be confident that they will love him just as much as I do. I'm glad that I can hear his peaceful breathing next to me as I write, his heartbeat completely in a relaxed state.. I'm grateful for the warmth emitting from his body to snuggle up to, and I am completely in awe every time I look into those beautiful, bright eyes.
Swoon.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

God has a funny way of working things out.

So, not long after my last post - about 12 hours, actually - my mom and I reconciled. We've been doing well since our argument. I've also started speaking to my dad again. Who would have guessed.
When everything felt like it was going wrong, I also was dumped the weekend before Valentine's Day. That definitely made me feel bad about myself. It sucked at the time. But, God has a funny way of working things out. For example, my ex told me that he couldn't give me what I deserved and fed me a bunch of BS. Come to find out, he was seeing someone else the next day. Well, naturally, this infuriated me. I then thought that there was something wrong with me. That maybe I had caused everything. I had a conversation with someone a couple of weeks later. This person informed me that my ex was being kicked out of the Navy but he could not tell me why. About a week later, I found out why. At first, I thought, "I can't believe I dated that creep." Then, I thought, "KARMA". THEN, I realized something. That's not Karma. That's God. And I love God's funny way of working things out. It always does work out, and it's not always your fault that things happen. I mean, I wasn't super attached to this guy, but it still sucked. But God would never give you anything that you couldn't handle. He loves us and he puts us through trials to strengthen us and our faith.
Think about that the next time everything is going wrong.

Just thought I'd share a little update from the past month and a half. I'll get back on my grind. I promise.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

Tough Love.

It's been a while. I've been in a rut. Have you ever been so far under that you don't know if you'll ever surface? I have, many times. Lately, I've had to make some tough decisions, say some really mean things, and burn bridges. This is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through, by far. My family is my life. I've said things in the past month and a half that cannot be unsaid, and done things that can never be undone. I said some things that I never would have said in my right mind. It's funny how anger can do that to you. It's unfortunate that I had to do these things, because all I've ever wanted was to just be happy, and for my family to be happy. But, once again, my family is in turmoil, and it feels like it is my fault. I haven't really slept in God knows how long now. It feels like my world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I get nasty when I get mad. But I have never in my life been as nasty to someone as I had to be to my mom. As sad as it is, I think that it's the only way she will ever begin to understand what she has put me through, and let him put me through. I am strong. And my strength comes from them, whether it was learned correctly or not. In those moments of anger, I became weak. And, although I said what needed to be said, there is nothing I regret most than hurting my mom, no matter how much she has hurt me. Everyone tells me that this is called Tough Love. And I swear to it, there is nothing tougher. I can only hope that one day she will understand. I hate that I won't be there to see my sisters grow up. I hate that I won't be there for Grace's first date or Nola's graduation from Elementary School. If I had known that this was going to be the outcome, I would have kept my mouth shut and let mom think that everything was okay. I have never felt so alone before. I have friends who are there for me, but it's not the same as calling my mom. I wish that I could take everything back. But even if I could, the final outcome might not have changed regardless. It's so much to process, and even more to deal with. Sometimes I wish that my memories would be erased. That I wouldn't remember the bad, and I would have a fresh start with life. I wish that I could sleep at night, and that I wasn't constantly on the verge of tears every second of every day. I wish that what happened the day after Christmas, and in the 15 years leading up to it never happened. I wish that it would all go away. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. If this is how strong feels, sometimes I think that I'm better off dead than strong. I have been through some serious stuff. But I have never been like this. I don't know how to process it. I don't know if I know how to move on from it. I just don't know. I guess this is part of the whole Tough Love thing. I have to figure it out and deal with it like a big kid. I'm all about tough, but damn. This really sucks.

Signing off for now,

Simply Sam.

I'm a mess.

I said it. I am a mess. Life is crazy, and I am an absolute mess.
I've visited my parents twice since I last wrote. It was truly amazing how we have changed, yet remained the same. It pains me to have to leave them. Each time, it's the absolute worst feeling. My family is so much a part of me, and I feel that a huge part of me is missing when I'm so far away from them. But, this is what growing up is about. This semester at school is almost over, and it has definitely flown by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was beginning my permanent Boone adventure; it's been three months. It's almost hard to believe. I have a new found love for Dubstep. Yes. I have been sucked into the craze. There's something about this music that just lets me be free. I'm listening to it now.
I've been very sick lately. I've always had this problem, but it has worsened. I just can't seem to hold any food down anymore, no matter how hard I try to. Even the medicine doesn't work. In fact, it was so bad on Thursday night, Brittany had to take me to the Emergency Room. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me a saline drip infused with drugs to put me to sleep and end the vomiting. Needless to say, when I woke up at 2.30 pm the next day, I had no recollection of the events that transpired after they injected me with sleepy-drugs. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. It is this recurrent illness that makes it so difficult to be away from home. Not knowing what is wrong with me, and my Mom worried sick about me doesn't help things. All I can do right now is smile, even when I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a year.
Everyone tells me to get better soon. Trust me, I want to. I don't like feeling this way every moment of every day. It's unnerving to know that something is wrong with you, but not exactly what. I'm pale, my hair is flat, my eyes are sullen and bloodshot, and my skin is blotchy. I'm exhausted, but I have to smile and keep going. I am sick and tired of going to the doctor and being told, "I don't know why you're sick. I don't know what it could be. I'm going to prescribe you Phenergan and Zofran to help." I don't want anymore damned drugs. I want you doctors to figure out what is wrong with me. I already have a pharmacy, and I don't need anything more that obviously is not helping the problem. I don't see beauty when I look in the mirror. I see a pathetic, sick, gross person who is not me. I am strong, not weak. I am a healthy nineteen year old and shouldn't be sick. Not like this.
Of course, I'm not contagious. I don't have tuberculosis or the flu. There are many possible diagnoses. I won't find out anything until I go to see a Gastroenterologist for more tests. Yippy. I just love being poked with needles all of the time.
But, for now, I am going to self-diagnose myself. Right now, it's just life. And, there's nothing that can be done to fix that because it's life. You just gotta keep living.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

Silent thoughts..

I have spoken to one person today, verbally.
Some random guy that showed me the correct way to swipe my App Card at the vending machine. It was a very short conversation. I guess I'm not really in the mood to talk to anyone, mostly because I enjoy time to myself, with my thoughts.
I've been thinking a lot about Boone, and my life. Here's what I have come up with:

I love this place. It brings out a side of me that I've only briefly known before.

Maybe it's the scenery.

Or the weather. 

Or the people. 

Or the football.

I'm not quite sure. But whatever it is, it's good for me. This is the place where I am stress free and happy. This place consumes me in a way. The anger and hostility is gone. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I was angry or hostile. They are replaced with peace, serenity, and genuine happiness. I work full-time and go to school full-time. Stressful? Not at all. Work is fun. Everyone there is really cool, and they all talk to me like they've known me forever. At Appalachian, we have the best professors on the East Coast... I guarantee it. Mountain life is easy-going, and happy-go-lucky.

This is where I belong.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

Forgiveness...

It's crazy how eight months goes by so quickly. Maybe on day one, it feels as though you cannot move forward. You are stuck in a rut, unable to escape. You try so very hard to get past things, but you remain haunted. Day one turns into day two. Day two turns into a month, and you might not know it right away, but you're healing with each passing day, hour, and minute. By the second month, you're functioning again. By the fifth, you can hear that name without feeling sick to your stomach. Time does, in fact, heal all wounds. The more that you hurt, the stronger you become after a period of time. When you feel when you are at your breaking point... That is the moment when it is imperative that you continue to move forward. If you don't quite grasp this concept, please refer to my blog post about strength. Anyway... Where was I... Oh. Yes.. You grow with time as well. Maturity does not happen overnight, but it does come faster than one might think. Pain fades. It never quite ceases, but it does lessen enough to allow you to breathe and function normally.
It takes time to forgive. In order to forgive another for their transgressions against you, you must first forgive yourself. This idea is similar to that of, "You cannot love someone until you love yourself". How do you expect someone else to love you if you cannot love yourself? How do you expect to forgive someone else if you cannot forgive yourself?
Forgiveness is a very difficult gesture for me. I hold grudges, can be spiteful, malicious, and downright mean, BUT, I do forgive. However, like I said before, forgiveness takes time. Although it can be a very difficult gesture, it is an extremely important one. Would you care to know why? (That is a rhetorical question; I really don't care)
It is because unlike violence, stewing in your anger, belittling someone, or dwelling on events that cannot be undone, forgiveness truly speaks to all parties involved in the process. It helps you heal. It puts your soul at ease, (for the time-being), and it lifts that weight that you've carried - that burden - off of your tired shoulders, allowing you to finally be happy. So, really, it's not so bad.

Just another thing that I have learned today.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

Strength

In life, we all have trials. We all have tragedy, loss, pain, anguish, and anger.
We lose our parents, spouses, siblings, and children. It is never easy to accept, especially within the first year of the loss. On the anniversary, each month, then each year, a ripple of pain and fresh hurt washes over you, bringing back the most painful, vivid memories. Each person reacts differently. Some may shut down. Others may break into tears at the most random moment, unable to stop. Some may pop a pill. Others self mutilate. And some people, well, they're all one in the same. Yet, no matter how much the amount of pain, anguish and anger, it is important to remember to stay strong. Strength does not mean how muscular you are, how many pounds you can bench press, or how well you can fight. True strength comes from within. It's forgiving the person who hurt you the most. It's stretching yourself beyond your own means in order to help another person. It's when the whole world seems to be crumbling around you, but you get your ass out of bed and KEEP GOING. That is true strength. Sometimes, one cannot be strong by themselves. It takes friends who won't turn their back on you, even though everyone else has. Meditation and prayer also seem to be helpful.

In my time of need, one person in particular helped me to keep my head up and move forward. Grace Whitworth has been one of the best friends that I could ever ask for. For her, I am truly blessed. You see, we barely knew each other, but she spent every waking minute with me when I thought I was alone. I tried to shut everyone out, but she kept pushing in. She refused to leave me alone, even though that's all I wanted. She still calls on the 20th of the month, to make sure I'm okay.
True strength comes from within, yes. However, sometimes, it takes someone else to brave the war within you, and help you find it.

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."
Phillippians 4:13

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.