I'm a mess.

I said it. I am a mess. Life is crazy, and I am an absolute mess.
I've visited my parents twice since I last wrote. It was truly amazing how we have changed, yet remained the same. It pains me to have to leave them. Each time, it's the absolute worst feeling. My family is so much a part of me, and I feel that a huge part of me is missing when I'm so far away from them. But, this is what growing up is about. This semester at school is almost over, and it has definitely flown by. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was beginning my permanent Boone adventure; it's been three months. It's almost hard to believe. I have a new found love for Dubstep. Yes. I have been sucked into the craze. There's something about this music that just lets me be free. I'm listening to it now.
I've been very sick lately. I've always had this problem, but it has worsened. I just can't seem to hold any food down anymore, no matter how hard I try to. Even the medicine doesn't work. In fact, it was so bad on Thursday night, Brittany had to take me to the Emergency Room. They hooked me up to an IV and gave me a saline drip infused with drugs to put me to sleep and end the vomiting. Needless to say, when I woke up at 2.30 pm the next day, I had no recollection of the events that transpired after they injected me with sleepy-drugs. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. It is this recurrent illness that makes it so difficult to be away from home. Not knowing what is wrong with me, and my Mom worried sick about me doesn't help things. All I can do right now is smile, even when I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a year.
Everyone tells me to get better soon. Trust me, I want to. I don't like feeling this way every moment of every day. It's unnerving to know that something is wrong with you, but not exactly what. I'm pale, my hair is flat, my eyes are sullen and bloodshot, and my skin is blotchy. I'm exhausted, but I have to smile and keep going. I am sick and tired of going to the doctor and being told, "I don't know why you're sick. I don't know what it could be. I'm going to prescribe you Phenergan and Zofran to help." I don't want anymore damned drugs. I want you doctors to figure out what is wrong with me. I already have a pharmacy, and I don't need anything more that obviously is not helping the problem. I don't see beauty when I look in the mirror. I see a pathetic, sick, gross person who is not me. I am strong, not weak. I am a healthy nineteen year old and shouldn't be sick. Not like this.
Of course, I'm not contagious. I don't have tuberculosis or the flu. There are many possible diagnoses. I won't find out anything until I go to see a Gastroenterologist for more tests. Yippy. I just love being poked with needles all of the time.
But, for now, I am going to self-diagnose myself. Right now, it's just life. And, there's nothing that can be done to fix that because it's life. You just gotta keep living.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.