Mushy Feelings and Stuff...

I never would have thought that my life would be where it's at right now, at this present moment. I never would have imagined that I would be starting a life with someone who has stolen my heart. It's still surreal to me when we wake together and the first thing that crosses my mind is how much I love my best friend. It baffles me that someone like him could find me beautiful and love me just as much, but then again, he and I are much the same. This love.. It comes so easily. It feels so natural when his arms are around me and I feel safe when our fingers are interlocked. If only this could have been my first love, I'm sure that I wouldn't know the pain of heartbreak now. I guess the only thing that I have to try at with this.. Is accepting the fact that I don't have to change for him. I don't have to put on a facade. He knows what I'm saying without a single word being uttered. And, from what I've heard about love, that's how it's supposed to be. It's crazy to think how much one person can impact your life. Just knowing his past.. It gives the word strength a whole new meaning. I admire him and learn something new from him every day. He has become my rock, and I can only hope that I can be the light in the dark for him, as well. I'm nervous about sharing my life with another, but deep down, I know that my heart is safe with him, and for that I am glad. I'm glad that I can take him home to my parents and be confident that they will love him just as much as I do. I'm glad that I can hear his peaceful breathing next to me as I write, his heartbeat completely in a relaxed state.. I'm grateful for the warmth emitting from his body to snuggle up to, and I am completely in awe every time I look into those beautiful, bright eyes.
Swoon.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

God has a funny way of working things out.

So, not long after my last post - about 12 hours, actually - my mom and I reconciled. We've been doing well since our argument. I've also started speaking to my dad again. Who would have guessed.
When everything felt like it was going wrong, I also was dumped the weekend before Valentine's Day. That definitely made me feel bad about myself. It sucked at the time. But, God has a funny way of working things out. For example, my ex told me that he couldn't give me what I deserved and fed me a bunch of BS. Come to find out, he was seeing someone else the next day. Well, naturally, this infuriated me. I then thought that there was something wrong with me. That maybe I had caused everything. I had a conversation with someone a couple of weeks later. This person informed me that my ex was being kicked out of the Navy but he could not tell me why. About a week later, I found out why. At first, I thought, "I can't believe I dated that creep." Then, I thought, "KARMA". THEN, I realized something. That's not Karma. That's God. And I love God's funny way of working things out. It always does work out, and it's not always your fault that things happen. I mean, I wasn't super attached to this guy, but it still sucked. But God would never give you anything that you couldn't handle. He loves us and he puts us through trials to strengthen us and our faith.
Think about that the next time everything is going wrong.

Just thought I'd share a little update from the past month and a half. I'll get back on my grind. I promise.

Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.

Tough Love.

It's been a while. I've been in a rut. Have you ever been so far under that you don't know if you'll ever surface? I have, many times. Lately, I've had to make some tough decisions, say some really mean things, and burn bridges. This is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through, by far. My family is my life. I've said things in the past month and a half that cannot be unsaid, and done things that can never be undone. I said some things that I never would have said in my right mind. It's funny how anger can do that to you. It's unfortunate that I had to do these things, because all I've ever wanted was to just be happy, and for my family to be happy. But, once again, my family is in turmoil, and it feels like it is my fault. I haven't really slept in God knows how long now. It feels like my world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I get nasty when I get mad. But I have never in my life been as nasty to someone as I had to be to my mom. As sad as it is, I think that it's the only way she will ever begin to understand what she has put me through, and let him put me through. I am strong. And my strength comes from them, whether it was learned correctly or not. In those moments of anger, I became weak. And, although I said what needed to be said, there is nothing I regret most than hurting my mom, no matter how much she has hurt me. Everyone tells me that this is called Tough Love. And I swear to it, there is nothing tougher. I can only hope that one day she will understand. I hate that I won't be there to see my sisters grow up. I hate that I won't be there for Grace's first date or Nola's graduation from Elementary School. If I had known that this was going to be the outcome, I would have kept my mouth shut and let mom think that everything was okay. I have never felt so alone before. I have friends who are there for me, but it's not the same as calling my mom. I wish that I could take everything back. But even if I could, the final outcome might not have changed regardless. It's so much to process, and even more to deal with. Sometimes I wish that my memories would be erased. That I wouldn't remember the bad, and I would have a fresh start with life. I wish that I could sleep at night, and that I wasn't constantly on the verge of tears every second of every day. I wish that what happened the day after Christmas, and in the 15 years leading up to it never happened. I wish that it would all go away. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. If this is how strong feels, sometimes I think that I'm better off dead than strong. I have been through some serious stuff. But I have never been like this. I don't know how to process it. I don't know if I know how to move on from it. I just don't know. I guess this is part of the whole Tough Love thing. I have to figure it out and deal with it like a big kid. I'm all about tough, but damn. This really sucks.

Signing off for now,

Simply Sam.