It's been a while. I've been in a rut. Have you ever been so far under that you don't know if you'll ever surface? I have, many times. Lately, I've had to make some tough decisions, say some really mean things, and burn bridges. This is the most painful thing that I have ever gone through, by far. My family is my life. I've said things in the past month and a half that cannot be unsaid, and done things that can never be undone. I said some things that I never would have said in my right mind. It's funny how anger can do that to you. It's unfortunate that I had to do these things, because all I've ever wanted was to just be happy, and for my family to be happy. But, once again, my family is in turmoil, and it feels like it is my fault. I haven't really slept in God knows how long now. It feels like my world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I get nasty when I get mad. But I have never in my life been as nasty to someone as I had to be to my mom. As sad as it is, I think that it's the only way she will ever begin to understand what she has put me through, and let him put me through. I am strong. And my strength comes from them, whether it was learned correctly or not. In those moments of anger, I became weak. And, although I said what needed to be said, there is nothing I regret most than hurting my mom, no matter how much she has hurt me. Everyone tells me that this is called Tough Love. And I swear to it, there is nothing tougher. I can only hope that one day she will understand. I hate that I won't be there to see my sisters grow up. I hate that I won't be there for Grace's first date or Nola's graduation from Elementary School. If I had known that this was going to be the outcome, I would have kept my mouth shut and let mom think that everything was okay. I have never felt so alone before. I have friends who are there for me, but it's not the same as calling my mom. I wish that I could take everything back. But even if I could, the final outcome might not have changed regardless. It's so much to process, and even more to deal with. Sometimes I wish that my memories would be erased. That I wouldn't remember the bad, and I would have a fresh start with life. I wish that I could sleep at night, and that I wasn't constantly on the verge of tears every second of every day. I wish that what happened the day after Christmas, and in the 15 years leading up to it never happened. I wish that it would all go away. People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. If this is how strong feels, sometimes I think that I'm better off dead than strong. I have been through some serious stuff. But I have never been like this. I don't know how to process it. I don't know if I know how to move on from it. I just don't know. I guess this is part of the whole Tough Love thing. I have to figure it out and deal with it like a big kid. I'm all about tough, but damn. This really sucks.
Signing off for now,
Simply Sam.
